Drawn Together

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Today

I have so many things to say. So many things going through my head. Pardon the rambling.

First. My sincerest thoughts and prayers go out to the people affected in today's tragedy. 

I don't know how these things happen. I don't know what makes someone take a gun into a school with the intention of killing people. Of killing children. I'm glad I don't know. I don't want to join the ranks of people who are so far gone that this is what they do.

I don't have children. That is not by choice. Sometimes I question why I can't have children. Is it because I'd be a bad mother? Because I'm going to have cancer and would leave that child motherless? And when things like this happen I can't help but wonder why the people that commit these horrible crimes can have children. 

I ran some errands this afternoon. This was after I'd heard about this horrific shooting. I didn't want to be home. I knew I'd read news stories that weren't accurate, that weren't vetted, and I was already crying. I needed to be away from the news.

While at target I heard a woman say to what looked like her five year old daughter, "you either go to San Diego with us or you stay home alone in the house". Who says this to their child? Let alone on a day like today? I wanted to turn to her and say "ma'am, if you don't want your child, I'll be more than happy to take her, and would never threaten to leave her alone in a house while her family was away."

Then I was driving home and my local radio station had an announcement about a vigil this afternoon. A time to come together as a community and offer support to one another. I thought that was a nice thing. Then they played a song. "Pumped Up Kicks". Do you know this song? Do you know the lyrics? Here's an excerpt:

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks 

You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks

You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks

You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks

You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet

I had to pull the car over. I was crying, instantly. tried to call the station but the lines were busy. I was hoping it was because other outraged people were calling them, but it ends up it was contest time. I tweeted them instead. figuring it would be instantaneous. this is what I said:

Radio station announced vigil for #SandyHook then played "Pumped Up Kicks". @mix969 you should have known better. Please apologize.

Then I did what I could to make myself feel better. Hugged a friend's four and five year old daughters. And hid my tears.

If you have children, please, go hug them, and don't ever let them go.

Edited to Add: I just got an email from the on-air personality from the radio station. He was very apologetic. Explained that the music is pre-picked and not changeable, and that when he heard the song his heart sank. I appreciate him replying to my email, and understand that he felt the same way I did, and do. He has asked for that song to be removed from rotation for the next short while. I'm glad.

Happy Anniversary!

Today is my fifth wedding anniversary. We’ve been together for twelve years, it just took me a while to convince him to marry me. :)

I had a plan for this anniversary. I intended to mail my husband five anniversary cards. And even purchased a stamp that said “do not open until…” and was going to put our anniversary date in the stamped image.

Somehow, that didn’t happen. The weird part of that is that I am a genius with dates. I know everyone’s birthday, anniversary, etc. Yet, somehow, every year, this date sneaks up on me, and I “forget” it.

I think it’s because every day is a celebration of our marriage. Really. I’m not just saying that. We treat each other with love and respect, and cherish each other, each and every day. And because of that, it seems like every day is our anniversary.

The weirder part? My husband came home last night with five anniversary cards for me.

Tim Holtz Tissue Tape Dispenser - GIVEAWAY!

I’m cleaning, organizing, purging. I have the Tim Holtz Tissue Tape dispenser. Thing is cute as a button, I just don’t use it. I’ve decided to give it away to one of my readers. This does not come in the original packaging, just so you know.


a Rafflecopter giveaway



This giveaway is open until this Wednesday, November 14th. I'll post the winner on Thursday. Please make sure that you either leave your email in your comment, or that your profile clicks through to an email address.

It’s Been 74 Days

Since our dear, darling, magnificent Golden Retriever passed away. And this is the first time I could really write about him.

He was born on August 8, 2000. In Gilbert, Arizona. It was my first summer here in Arizona. I’d met the man I knew I was going to marry. I had just moved into a house that I built. I was about to turn 30. I built the house knowing I would have a dog. My first.

Robert (said man I knew I was going to marry) got me Tucker for my birthday. My birthday is early September, but he got me a card stating that he would get me a dog. And then we found Tucker. We brought him home on September 28, 2000. Our good friends got his female litter mate, so he had a built in best friend and sister. To this day, that still makes me very happy.

I’d never had a dog. We grew up with cats. I researched before we got him. I read Dogs For Dummies. I read a book about choosing the proper breed for your lifestyle. I did a lot of research. This was a big decision. We were nervous. Robert and I had only been dating for a scant three months at this time. I knew, though. I wanted Robert, and a dog.

He was perfect. He really was. We did the Petsmart training thing when he was a puppy, but that wasn’t enough. We sent him to training camp for three weeks where he would learn how to be a dog to stupid humans. It worked. He was wonderful. He was so loving, and a good snuggler, and just a big furry ball of love.

I feel silly saying that everyone loved Tucker, but it’s true. Even people that didn’t like dogs loved Tucker. There was something about him. He was expressive, and funny, and sweet.

Did he have any bad habits? Sure. He learned that human food was often tastier than kibble. So he would stare at you until you gave some up to him. He would NEVER take it on his own though. There was a time when he wouldn’t even eat human food unless you either put it in his mouth or his bowl. Food on the floor? Hmmmph, he wasn’t picking it up for you. He wasn’t a Hoover.

He also loved to swim. And would come inside afterward, and shake in front of the television. Which, to this day, makes me laugh out loud.

That’s Tucker’s first picture. At his first visit to the veterinarian.

We would take him to the dog park and he would invariably greet every single person and canine that came into the gate. He mostly wanted the humans. If you had a hand, he wanted to feel it on his fur. It was funny. We’d look around the park and he would be near some bench full of humans asking for a pet.

Even though he was a retriever, by breed, he would not retrieve balls. You would throw it, and he would practically point to it and say “you, human with the thumbs, you dropped that over there.”

Yes, we spoke for our dog. And had conversations with him. With each other. There were rules. Which I’m sure only Robert and I understood.

And every night, when I went to sleep, I would include him in my nightly “good nights”. “Good night Tucker, I love you.”

And I still say it. It’s been 74 days. And I still say it. Every night.

It’s hard. Right now Robert is out of town for work, and it’s tough being alone. I miss Robert when he’s gone, but it was okay, because I had Tucker.

He was our baby. And so good with children. Children could literally fall on him, and he wouldn’t move a muscle. He might nudge them or lick them to make sure they were okay, but he didn’t care about himself. It is a regret of mine that we weren’t able to give him a baby to love, but we kept him among children of friends. He loved them.

This next picture was taken on Thanksgiving, 2009. We always have a big Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday. And late that evening we were all sitting in the family room talking. Well, Tucker was looking for a spot on the sofa. And there really wasn’t any room for him. So he came toward Robert and me, who were sitting on the hearth, and jumped onto the ottoman. I’d never seen him on the ottoman in the five years we’d had it, it was pretty funny. I call this his “Mom, Dad, make them go home, I’m in a turkey coma and want to go to bed” face.

Then he just decided to sleep amongst friends.

One thing that I’m very happy about, with regards to Tucker, is that we took him on a road trip last February, and he got to see his sister who moved to Austin. And he got to see snow, which didn’t do much for him. He also saw the beach, which he thought was a litter box.

I could go on forever about him. He was a huge part of our life for the past eleven years. And we will never forget him. He was well loved, and well cared for, and more importantly, he loved and cared for us, and taught us so much about being human.

Good night, Tucker. We love you.

*************************

I’m also posting this because Stephanie Howell recently issued her monthly Blog Your Heart challenge. 

Nifty iTunes Trick/Tutorial

I’m cleaning my computer’s desktop. At 1:58 in the morning. It’s how I roll.

I have a sample music cd that I downloaded to my desktop and I wanted to get it into iTunes. It’s not as intuitive as you’d think, but then I remembered this trick, and wanted to share it here.

It’s something you’ll forget, but when you are learn it you’ll realize how awesome Apple really is.

Navigate to your iTunes folder. I’m on a PC (until we need our next computer… :) at Robert) and for me that means opening Windows Explorer. Then go to My Music,  iTunes, iTunes Media. (I also have an iTunes Music folder, but that’s because we’ve had iTunes since the beginning, and we’re old. You may not have that folder, if you don’t, you’re young, and hip, and I’m jealous.)

Here’s a picture, for your viewing pleasure:

The first folder in the iTunes Media folder is called “Automatically Add to iTunes”, and it does exactly what it says it does.

Drag and drop, or copy and paste, the music files you want added to iTunes into this folder, and they’ll be added automatically.

If you have any questions, just ask me. I’d love to help if I can.

It’s awesome. I love it. And my desktop is clean. Ish.

And We Have a Winner…

Using random.org for my blog candy winner got me this:

(I used the number 15 for number of comments since two were duplicates)

Which means that

TraceyJean Jan 23, 2012 07:03 AM

I'm curious to see the project you completed. Been looking at these inks but haven't made the leap just yet. Would love a chance to try one out...

should come on down!

I don’t have a way to contact you, so please email me your mailing address and I will get this out in the mail. My email address is over on the left side of my blog.

I’m excited for you to try this ink, you’re going to love it.

Thanks again to Hero Arts for sending me an extra ink pad!

Silly Dog Video

While editing pictures for Project Life, I came across these four pictures and put together a silly little video. Makes me smile.

 

My silly dog.

 

There are a few days left to win some new Hero Arts ink, don't forget to enter!

Who Wants to try the new Hero Arts Ink?

I just finished a small stamping project for Hero Arts and am absolutely in love with their new mid-tone shadow inks. I’ve never used a Hero Arts ink before, and now I’m wondering why not. They are wonderful. The colors are lovely, the inks are forgiving, and the saturation is just perfect.

(I am no artist, so that description was all mine, in case those words make absolutely no sense to anyone that might be reading this, and happens to be a real artist.)

Anyway… Hero Arts sent me an extra Pool Shadow Ink pad, and since I don’t need it, I’m going to give it away here as blog candy.

All you have to do is leave me a comment here on this post. It would be nice if you started following me, but I won’t make that a contingency.

This is open to all commenters, worldwide. So, you know… comment away.

Edited to add: I will post the winner on Monday, January 30, 2012. Winner will be chosen via random.org.

Blog Your Heart

The amazing Stephanie Howell issued a challenge today to “Blog Your Heart.” So, I am.

2011 was not an easy year for me, but I know people who had it harder. And that makes me feel that I have no right to complain. That’s self-imposed, by the way. No one tells me that I can’t complain.

And since Stephanie issued the challenge, and since I’ve been wanting to blog some things for a few weeks now, I’ve decided to use New Year’s Eve to my advantage, and get this off my chest.

February 12th, 2009 was the day that I found out that we would not be having any children, of our own. It was the day that my last fertility treatment was cancelled, because the frozen embryos did not survive the thaw.

That was after two fresh rounds of IVF.

That was after three rounds of clomid and the “not as fun as it sounds” timed intercourse.

My husband has “perfect sperm”. Which makes all of this my fault. And for those of you who want to know, my fertility “issue” is that my tubes are blocked. Plus, at the time, I was in my late 30’s, also known as “advanced maternal age”, which I likened to the other “AMA”, against medical advice. As in, it’s against MY medical advice to tell me that I am at an advanced maternal age. Just saying.

Anyway, that was almost three years ago. And I got over it, eventually. It wasn’t easy, but it happened. And we went on with our lives, and spoiled other people’s children.

I made some good friends during my infertility journey. One of them, we’ll call her Jessica (because that’s her name), is still a very good friend of mine. And we still email, talk, and text each other all the time. You know, like when I’m having raging PMS and just can’t figure out why I get to have PMS every freaking month, but can’t have a baby.

While I was bitching about my PMS in November, just last month, Jessica said “ummm, you’ve been bitching about PMS for about three weeks now, I think you’re pregnant.” Now, I’m paraphrasing here, because she spent about a week telling me how I must be pregnant. And I finally said to her “I am the least pregnant person you will ever meet, now stop saying that. Thanks.”

And then I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Holy shit, I peed on a stick, and the stick did not win. That has never happened to me before, and Ladies & Gentlemen*, I have peed on a lot of sticks during my two years of fertility treatments.

Miracles do happen. Infertile women do get pregnant the old fashioned way. You know, via sex. It was amazing. Being pregnant. Not the sex. I’m not sure that I remember the sex.

And now I’m not pregnant. I miscarried on December 10th. Which, really, is a whole other post. Holy hell, I had no idea a miscarriage could be so painful. Probably because no one speaks of them, but still, that’s information that people should know. If you’re pregnant, and you know it, and you’re at least eight weeks along, and your body decides to be a bitch and throw the baby out, it’s going to hurt like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. Ever.

So, that’s my 2011 in a nutshell. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage.

I believed in miracles. And then mine was taken away from me.

I have a lot I want to say on this subject, but I’m going to post this right away to get it out there, and end this year on a high note. You’ll be hearing more from me on this subject, I’m sure.

 

***

If you have any questions about infertility, please ask me. I’m sort of an expert since I’ve been through most treatments for it, and would be happy to share my knowledge. I can not help you get pregnant though. Clearly.

 

* – I know of two men that read my blog, hence the proper usage of the word “gentlemen”.